31 July 2019

It has been awhile since i updated this blog. I couldn’t find any apps that could support blogger properly.

For the past 6 months, my life has been full of emotional roller coaster. I had a breakdown, finally letting out the word killing myself. Proven to be unworthy to live. I wanted to get help but i’m afraid of being judged. I look bright on the outside but on the inside deep down i’m suffering. My emotion has  overtaken me especially now i’m in a relationship. I thought being in a relationship would help me to overcome my pain but apparently i’m wrong.

I don’t know how long will i lasts. I’m afraid that one day i might harm myself or won’t be able to hold my sanity anymore.

Sizes

It's been awhile, but hello...

Anyway, yesterday i posted a Raya pic of me together with my best friends. Since taking raya pic together has been a part of our annual ritual so i posted it on my instagram and shared it to the facebook as well. So one of my old schoolmate commented on my pic saying that i look a bit "bambam" meaning fat in a cute way. I don't really feel offended because i do realize that i'm fat and overweight. I replied by saying yes and lol it all the way.

I'm totally okay with people calling me fat and obese, because i learned how to love myself and i couldn't even care less what others think of me. I love when i was skinny, shape-py, and even now, fabbity fat-fat. However, you need to know that not everyone able to hear from someone else whether they're too fat or too skinny. It's offensive and you don't even know the struggle with people like us are going through.

Do mind your word because the effect is long term. 

Pesanan sayang from me ❤️

Till then.

1 July 2018

Nowadays, i realized that my personalities has changed. Well i'm still enjoying my time alone. However, i do appreciate hanging out with a friend besides than my best friends. Like my previous post, i've mentioned that i've made couple of good friends in the office. I like hanging out with them, even any of them. 

I do feel like i'm more ambivert instead of introvert. I guess i need to take the test again then.

Till then.

New Friends?

I've made new friends in the office. After my usual lunch buddy went to another company, i don't have anyone else to eat with until J said "well i can accompany you" and from there i instantly gained myself 6 of new friends where we can harshly joke around.

I like how we instantly clicked, maybe it's because 2 of them have the same age as me.

Being around them shows the different side of me and it's fun!

Till then,

Still January

My career path has changed. I'm no longer doing what i'm used to. Well change is a good thing. Now i'm thinking of pursue studying. I need to be a better person, work more on myself and yes i need to WORKOUT because obviously i'm not getting any younger. Less sugar intake, more vege need to be consume and eat clean. Ugh it's so hard whenever i'm confronting good foods. So i guess all of these should my 2018 year resolution then...? 

Oh well...

Till then

January 2018

Wow can't believe i'm now unofficially 26.  I'm not really excited for 2018. It's not that i had a rough start, it's more like i had a blank start. I can't think of anything. Could be i'm thinking of something but after awhile it turns blanco 

I don't even come up with any resolution for this year. And again i have a feeling that i'm demotivated with everything.

Ohh well, happy belated new year everybody!

Depression

Nowadays, how easily people take away their life instantly. Who to blame? I saw a news of someone who committed suicide due to depression. Someone famous who had everything, talent, great voice, fame, money well you name it all. But none of these are able to make him feel happy. He ended up killing himself, left a lot of hints and his farewell letter. 

This reminded me of my past self where i had mild depression. Although it is mild, i should've not taken it lightly. I got out from it. I found my source of happiness which is my family and closest friends. 

I feel sad for him for unable to find a way out instead he chose to take away his own life. I hope this will be a lesson for everybody not to take depression lightly. Get help and please do not kill yourself. Think about those who loves and cherish you. Remember those who you are going to leave behind, how guilty they have to feel for the rest of their life. You yourself are worth it, and you deserve to be happy. 

I hope this song might heal you. 

Title: Breathe

Artist: Lee Hi

Album: Seoulite

*english translation

Take a deep breath
Until both sides of your heart get numb
Until it hurts a little
Let out your breath even more
Until you feel like there’s nothing left inside

It’s alright if you run out of breath
No one will blame you
It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes
Because anyone can do so
Although comforting by saying it’s alright
Are just words

Someone’s breath
That heavy breath
How can I see through that?
Though I can’t understand your breath
It’s alright
I’ll hold you

It’s alright if you run out of breath
No one will blame you
It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes
Because anyone can do so
Although comforting by saying it’s alright
Are just words

Someone’s breath
That heavy breath
How can I see through that?
Though I can’t understand your breath
It’s alright
I’ll hold you

Even if others think your sigh
Takes out energy and strength
I already know
That you had a day that’s hard enough
To let out even a small sigh
Now don’t think of anything else
Let out a deep sigh
Just let it out like that

Someone’s breath
That heavy breath
How can I see through that?
Though I can’t understand your breath
It’s alright
I’ll hold you
You really did a good job