I’m Pregnant

I get nervous to know that i’m growing a person inside of me. When i first knew the existence of this person i bawled my eyes out bcs who knew my body could do this.

A lot of things went through my mind. Am i gonna make it? Will i be okay? Am i good enough to raise this person? Will i be able to be a good mother? I’m glad that i have my husband by my side to convince, help and be patience towards all of my mood swings, cravings and my manja-ness. I just love to be around him a lot ❤️

I wish my late dad is still around. He could be the coolest Aok anyone could ask for.

I can say that my first trimester wasn’t easy but i had it easier compared to others. I was nauseous like all the time, my appetite was up and down and finishing my food was like an achievement of the day. I had back pain most of time. Took awhile for me to be able to adjust everything back to normal. I could sleep all day long and wake up at odd hours. I’m super glad that those days have passed 😂

Now i’m in my 2nd trimester, the honeymoon phase. Can’t fit most of my pants and my appetite is getting better. I might have to control myself not to overeat and i’m 💯% sure that this baby followed his Dad’s appetite. 

My wish is that this baby will grow strong and healthy. I’m of course scared thinking about the delivering process and taking care of the baby. But i will know for sure that once this baby is out, we will love him/her unconditionally.

See you in 5 months sayang. Mommy & Daddy will be waiting for you ❤️

My very first positive (15 July 2023)

Hey don’t worry, you have a brother and a sister to look after you! 🫣😄

I’m getting married

Within 2 days time, i’m getting married to my fiancé.

Kinda crazy huh? Me getting married, settling down…

Well i kinda want this even before when i was 25 but this time it’s a real deal. Never knew that i could meet someone so understanding, lovely and a very much human sized bear 🐻 

I can’t believe that my choices back then were so bad and felt thankful that i didn’t get married to a wrong man 😅

Hazrul is different, different than any other guys that i dated before but have all of the qualities that i wanted and needed. The fact that he understands me without me saying anything is just 😱. Although we don’t really have much in common, but the fact that we made this work is just magic. 

I can’t imagine myself living with any other man besides than him. 

Hopefully all is well because getting married during pandemic is challenging.

See you in 2 days time 💕

3 November 2020

My dad left me 

He left us

He has been sick since 2017 when at first they said it was pneumonia, then tuberculosis (TB), he got better then relapse again and again to the point it’s no longer recognise as TB and they diagnosed him with Non-tuberculosis Mycobacteria. He had a rough journey towards the end. 

There are times that i wish like i could do better, comforting him, making him feel happy, worrying less about me, spending more time with him. I thought he would live forever by my side but then i realized that i’m living in my own bubble. I feel regret for not sending the water and milk like he asked earlier. I feel regret for not appreciating him asking me “what time am i coming home”, “don’t come back home so late”.

Up till now, i still can’t read his previous messages to me because it’s too painful. I would always share cat videos to him and he would laugh. I miss his voice, his loud breathing, him watching videos with max volume which did annoyed me back then, his laugh, his wisdom, his warm hand and hug. I really did take him for granted, i didn’t appreciate him while he’s still with me. I didn’t really listen to his advice. I thought by being far from him could save him from any harm since he is immunocompromised.

I miss you a lot ayah. I really do. I wish i could turn back time and do better. But i know it was too late. I hope you will no longer feel pain and rest peacefully. Don’t worry about the rest of us so much and hopefully we can meet again in another world. I’ll recite Al-Fatihah and your favourite surah which is Al-Ikhlas everytime i misses you.

With lot’s of love,

Your daughter

2 September 2020

So a year has passed and again i rarely update anything on this blog. But anyway, my life has been great. In regards to my last relationship, well it turned out to be not so great. He definitely cheated on me with i don’t know with how many girls, obviously without me knowing because for sure i would left him at the first place. But then again, i did leave because i don’t see a point of us to be together anymore. After awhile, i continue searching through various dating apps. Then i met my current boyfriend.

We’ve been together for 7 months now and for the first time ever, this is the only relationship with less drama, non-toxic, and far away from any negative vibes. I love the fact that we able to communicate so well and most importantly me being able to be more open with myself. I’m happy with what we are having right now and not one time i wish i meet someone else. 

I want this relationship to last long. I will make it work as i am no longer has the desire meeting someone new and i love us and obviously i wanted to marry this guy. Well wish me luck. Hope it’ll be next year 🤞🏻☺️🤞🏻

31 July 2019

It has been awhile since i updated this blog. I couldn’t find any apps that could support blogger properly.

For the past 6 months, my life has been full of emotional roller coaster. I had a breakdown, finally letting out the word killing myself. Proven to be unworthy to live. I wanted to get help but i’m afraid of being judged. I look bright on the outside but on the inside deep down i’m suffering. My emotion has  overtaken me especially now i’m in a relationship. I thought being in a relationship would help me to overcome my pain but apparently i’m wrong.

I don’t know how long will i lasts. I’m afraid that one day i might harm myself or won’t be able to hold my sanity anymore.

Sizes

It's been awhile, but hello...

Anyway, yesterday i posted a Raya pic of me together with my best friends. Since taking raya pic together has been a part of our annual ritual so i posted it on my instagram and shared it to the facebook as well. So one of my old schoolmate commented on my pic saying that i look a bit "bambam" meaning fat in a cute way. I don't really feel offended because i do realize that i'm fat and overweight. I replied by saying yes and lol it all the way.

I'm totally okay with people calling me fat and obese, because i learned how to love myself and i couldn't even care less what others think of me. I love when i was skinny, shape-py, and even now, fabbity fat-fat. However, you need to know that not everyone able to hear from someone else whether they're too fat or too skinny. It's offensive and you don't even know the struggle with people like us are going through.

Do mind your word because the effect is long term. 

Pesanan sayang from me ❤️

Till then.

1 July 2018

Nowadays, i realized that my personalities has changed. Well i'm still enjoying my time alone. However, i do appreciate hanging out with a friend besides than my best friends. Like my previous post, i've mentioned that i've made couple of good friends in the office. I like hanging out with them, even any of them. 

I do feel like i'm more ambivert instead of introvert. I guess i need to take the test again then.

Till then.