My Nerdy Nerd SHISM (19 May 2020)

I met this person through bumble. Nothing special as i still feel empty after i’ve broken up with that douchebag. I’ve been going on lot’s of dates and ended up going out with this guy. When we first met, i wanted to be nice, be myself and give out chances to anyone without caring about their looks because usually that is the first thing that i look for. We talked and and had fun conversation and i realized that he’s fun to hang out with. I gain some courage to ask for his number and we exchanged phone numbers. 

We went on several dates, getting to know each other for few months. He’s fun to talk to, we frequently exchange memes and we talked about bunch of stuff. He shared me his passion on playing board games in which i have a really little amount of knowledge about it. Good to know that we clicked.

Both of us were hesitating to continue what we’re having now to the next phase because i’ve been hurt, i didn’t really heal myself yet and this is his first relationship. So we decided to take it slow and let things happen by itself. 

So after awhile, we finally decided to be together. He downloaded an apps called Between and we make it January 5th as our first day. I was sure that i want to be with him. I don’t see nothing will wrong with this guy. We talked and shared a lot of things.

Now mark our 6 monthsary and i couldn’t be more happier with this guy. I could never see myself marrying anyone besides than him. For the first time ever, i’ve never encounter a man as calm and understanding as him. We never caught our self in a fight. We rarely argue, we always make things work. We always talk and discuss about everything. I do feel like what did i do to deserve this guy. He loves me the way i am and accepted my flaws. There are times that i feel like this are too good to be true.

Both of us agree we wanted to get married and now we are heading towards that. I need to get marriage certificate and after that we will proceed with introducing each other to our family. I hope he’ll be my forever and always ❤️

Our first picture together 😂

And yes, we are happily married for sure ❤️

Appreciation Post: My Husband ❤️

Dear Bb Sayang,

Thank you for loving me unconditionally. You were there at my most vulnerable time, the time that you know that i needed you the most.

You show me true love, compassion, utmost appreciation, patience and i can’t thank you enough for all of these. I thank Allah everyday for borrowing me such a nice man. Your assurance soothes me, your understanding is out of this world and your imperfections is perfect for me.

I’m aware that every marriage will have ups and downs and my wish is that we will get through this with patience, witful and full of laugh.

“All the times I've been alone, showed me the way

Led me here, led me home

Right through that door straight to you

You're my love, my life, my beginning

It's you”

It’s You - Sezairi

Your zombie wife,

Ida

I’m Pregnant

I get nervous to know that i’m growing a person inside of me. When i first knew the existence of this person i bawled my eyes out bcs who knew my body could do this.

A lot of things went through my mind. Am i gonna make it? Will i be okay? Am i good enough to raise this person? Will i be able to be a good mother? I’m glad that i have my husband by my side to convince, help and be patience towards all of my mood swings, cravings and my manja-ness. I just love to be around him a lot ❤️

I wish my late dad is still around. He could be the coolest Aok anyone could ask for.

I can say that my first trimester wasn’t easy but i had it easier compared to others. I was nauseous like all the time, my appetite was up and down and finishing my food was like an achievement of the day. I had back pain most of time. Took awhile for me to be able to adjust everything back to normal. I could sleep all day long and wake up at odd hours. I’m super glad that those days have passed 😂

Now i’m in my 2nd trimester, the honeymoon phase. Can’t fit most of my pants and my appetite is getting better. I might have to control myself not to overeat and i’m 💯% sure that this baby followed his Dad’s appetite. 

My wish is that this baby will grow strong and healthy. I’m of course scared thinking about the delivering process and taking care of the baby. But i will know for sure that once this baby is out, we will love him/her unconditionally.

See you in 5 months sayang. Mommy & Daddy will be waiting for you ❤️

My very first positive (15 July 2023)

Hey don’t worry, you have a brother and a sister to look after you! 🫣😄

I’m getting married

Within 2 days time, i’m getting married to my fiancé.

Kinda crazy huh? Me getting married, settling down…

Well i kinda want this even before when i was 25 but this time it’s a real deal. Never knew that i could meet someone so understanding, lovely and a very much human sized bear 🐻 

I can’t believe that my choices back then were so bad and felt thankful that i didn’t get married to a wrong man 😅

Hazrul is different, different than any other guys that i dated before but have all of the qualities that i wanted and needed. The fact that he understands me without me saying anything is just 😱. Although we don’t really have much in common, but the fact that we made this work is just magic. 

I can’t imagine myself living with any other man besides than him. 

Hopefully all is well because getting married during pandemic is challenging.

See you in 2 days time 💕

3 November 2020

My dad left me 

He left us

He has been sick since 2017 when at first they said it was pneumonia, then tuberculosis (TB), he got better then relapse again and again to the point it’s no longer recognise as TB and they diagnosed him with Non-tuberculosis Mycobacteria. He had a rough journey towards the end. 

There are times that i wish like i could do better, comforting him, making him feel happy, worrying less about me, spending more time with him. I thought he would live forever by my side but then i realized that i’m living in my own bubble. I feel regret for not sending the water and milk like he asked earlier. I feel regret for not appreciating him asking me “what time am i coming home”, “don’t come back home so late”.

Up till now, i still can’t read his previous messages to me because it’s too painful. I would always share cat videos to him and he would laugh. I miss his voice, his loud breathing, him watching videos with max volume which did annoyed me back then, his laugh, his wisdom, his warm hand and hug. I really did take him for granted, i didn’t appreciate him while he’s still with me. I didn’t really listen to his advice. I thought by being far from him could save him from any harm since he is immunocompromised.

I miss you a lot ayah. I really do. I wish i could turn back time and do better. But i know it was too late. I hope you will no longer feel pain and rest peacefully. Don’t worry about the rest of us so much and hopefully we can meet again in another world. I’ll recite Al-Fatihah and your favourite surah which is Al-Ikhlas everytime i misses you.

With lot’s of love,

Your daughter

2 September 2020

So a year has passed and again i rarely update anything on this blog. But anyway, my life has been great. In regards to my last relationship, well it turned out to be not so great. He definitely cheated on me with i don’t know with how many girls, obviously without me knowing because for sure i would left him at the first place. But then again, i did leave because i don’t see a point of us to be together anymore. After awhile, i continue searching through various dating apps. Then i met my current boyfriend.

We’ve been together for 7 months now and for the first time ever, this is the only relationship with less drama, non-toxic, and far away from any negative vibes. I love the fact that we able to communicate so well and most importantly me being able to be more open with myself. I’m happy with what we are having right now and not one time i wish i meet someone else. 

I want this relationship to last long. I will make it work as i am no longer has the desire meeting someone new and i love us and obviously i wanted to marry this guy. Well wish me luck. Hope it’ll be next year 🤞🏻☺️🤞🏻

31 July 2019

It has been awhile since i updated this blog. I couldn’t find any apps that could support blogger properly.

For the past 6 months, my life has been full of emotional roller coaster. I had a breakdown, finally letting out the word killing myself. Proven to be unworthy to live. I wanted to get help but i’m afraid of being judged. I look bright on the outside but on the inside deep down i’m suffering. My emotion has  overtaken me especially now i’m in a relationship. I thought being in a relationship would help me to overcome my pain but apparently i’m wrong.

I don’t know how long will i lasts. I’m afraid that one day i might harm myself or won’t be able to hold my sanity anymore.

Sizes

It's been awhile, but hello...

Anyway, yesterday i posted a Raya pic of me together with my best friends. Since taking raya pic together has been a part of our annual ritual so i posted it on my instagram and shared it to the facebook as well. So one of my old schoolmate commented on my pic saying that i look a bit "bambam" meaning fat in a cute way. I don't really feel offended because i do realize that i'm fat and overweight. I replied by saying yes and lol it all the way.

I'm totally okay with people calling me fat and obese, because i learned how to love myself and i couldn't even care less what others think of me. I love when i was skinny, shape-py, and even now, fabbity fat-fat. However, you need to know that not everyone able to hear from someone else whether they're too fat or too skinny. It's offensive and you don't even know the struggle with people like us are going through.

Do mind your word because the effect is long term. 

Pesanan sayang from me ❤️

Till then.

1 July 2018

Nowadays, i realized that my personalities has changed. Well i'm still enjoying my time alone. However, i do appreciate hanging out with a friend besides than my best friends. Like my previous post, i've mentioned that i've made couple of good friends in the office. I like hanging out with them, even any of them. 

I do feel like i'm more ambivert instead of introvert. I guess i need to take the test again then.

Till then.

New Friends?

I've made new friends in the office. After my usual lunch buddy went to another company, i don't have anyone else to eat with until J said "well i can accompany you" and from there i instantly gained myself 6 of new friends where we can harshly joke around.

I like how we instantly clicked, maybe it's because 2 of them have the same age as me.

Being around them shows the different side of me and it's fun!

Till then,

Still January

My career path has changed. I'm no longer doing what i'm used to. Well change is a good thing. Now i'm thinking of pursue studying. I need to be a better person, work more on myself and yes i need to WORKOUT because obviously i'm not getting any younger. Less sugar intake, more vege need to be consume and eat clean. Ugh it's so hard whenever i'm confronting good foods. So i guess all of these should my 2018 year resolution then...? 

Oh well...

Till then

January 2018

Wow can't believe i'm now unofficially 26.  I'm not really excited for 2018. It's not that i had a rough start, it's more like i had a blank start. I can't think of anything. Could be i'm thinking of something but after awhile it turns blanco 

I don't even come up with any resolution for this year. And again i have a feeling that i'm demotivated with everything.

Ohh well, happy belated new year everybody!

Depression

Nowadays, how easily people take away their life instantly. Who to blame? I saw a news of someone who committed suicide due to depression. Someone famous who had everything, talent, great voice, fame, money well you name it all. But none of these are able to make him feel happy. He ended up killing himself, left a lot of hints and his farewell letter. 

This reminded me of my past self where i had mild depression. Although it is mild, i should've not taken it lightly. I got out from it. I found my source of happiness which is my family and closest friends. 

I feel sad for him for unable to find a way out instead he chose to take away his own life. I hope this will be a lesson for everybody not to take depression lightly. Get help and please do not kill yourself. Think about those who loves and cherish you. Remember those who you are going to leave behind, how guilty they have to feel for the rest of their life. You yourself are worth it, and you deserve to be happy. 

I hope this song might heal you. 

Title: Breathe

Artist: Lee Hi

Album: Seoulite

*english translation

Take a deep breath
Until both sides of your heart get numb
Until it hurts a little
Let out your breath even more
Until you feel like there’s nothing left inside

It’s alright if you run out of breath
No one will blame you
It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes
Because anyone can do so
Although comforting by saying it’s alright
Are just words

Someone’s breath
That heavy breath
How can I see through that?
Though I can’t understand your breath
It’s alright
I’ll hold you

It’s alright if you run out of breath
No one will blame you
It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes
Because anyone can do so
Although comforting by saying it’s alright
Are just words

Someone’s breath
That heavy breath
How can I see through that?
Though I can’t understand your breath
It’s alright
I’ll hold you

Even if others think your sigh
Takes out energy and strength
I already know
That you had a day that’s hard enough
To let out even a small sigh
Now don’t think of anything else
Let out a deep sigh
Just let it out like that

Someone’s breath
That heavy breath
How can I see through that?
Though I can’t understand your breath
It’s alright
I’ll hold you
You really did a good job

Lonely November

I'm friggin lonely.

Weekdays

wake up - get ready - commute to work - work - lunch hour - work - commute to home - sleep

Weekend

Play dead

Any suggestions with what i should do with my life?

October 2017

Wow can't believe that it's October now. I feel different, different in a good way. Still learning, changing from day to day basis. Already accepting the fact that i'm no longer young. Less triggered whenever people calling me "Kak", but still in need to emphasize to people to address me as "Cik" instead of "Puan".

Now i'm starting to get "kahwin" question. Like dude relax, i'm still in my mid 20's like there's no need to rush on it. People around me are now comparing their life to mine whereby, they got married earlier than my age now. Well as for now, marriage is not my top priority. I still have many things to look upon to.

And nope, this year i didn't achieve any of my goals. It's okay, i still have more years to look forward (insyaAllah).

Till then. 

Officially 25

Well look how time flies, i'm finally 25. 

Craving

I crave for real fun and a break. 

What a Surprised

We decided to go back to Umi's hometown to find an alternative way to cure Dad. Apparently not only Dad who needed help, all of us need it too.

After they thrown away this 'thing' i no longer feel every negative feelings i had before. Somehow i feel lighter, happier and indescribable positive feelings. 

Things really did go back on track, i'm more awake than ever. No longer longing for a thing that i forever couldn't have. 

It cured me, physically and mentally

Beginning of April

It wasn't so good. My emotional went upside down. I started to have lot's of negative thoughts on my mind. Easily get angry over a small thing, no chill at all! 

Keep thinking what the hell is wrong with me. Keep listening to 'Hapus Aku' over and over again hoping it keeps me on track. 

I guess i'm just stressed over everything. Too much burden, too much things to think. I realized that i sleep too long during weekends, which i rarely doing since last year. 

I'm thinking of seeing a therapist, maybe i could find some answers.

2017

Hi,

2016 was the year that i've grown and known so much thing while being 24. I spend most of my time with my family and closest friends. I didn't waste any of it. I found a good career. I could say that i achieved a lot. 

At the beginning, i'm starting to reconstruct myself by finding things that i like to do, knowing myself better and take more control of my emotion. I was doing great handling stress and problems. I overcome a lot of things.

At the end of it, i found out that people i once loved got married. It was unexpected but i'm happy for them. What i had before was in the past and i wish all the best for them.

For 2017, i hope this year could be a year that will make me more brave in taking bigger steps and hope i could achieve most of my goals because i didn't achieve any of it last year 😹

Forever goodbye 2016 and allow me to say hello to 2017 🎉